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It isn’t always good to go by your feelings to make decisions, but sometimes we need to LISTEN to how we feel.

I suffer with depression which I have had since I was a teenager. It comes in cycles and I can usually recognise when I am in for a stint.  I do have treatment for it but I also have to manage it as well.

But there is another depression along side of it and it is connected to grief. I feel the difference.  So this is what I mean about listening to your feelings.  Whenever I have ‘clinical depression’ it is preceded by a little nausea and a general feeling of not being well and then the depression comes in  for 3-4days. I recognise this and know how to manage it. When it starts to pass and lose its grip I am able to push myself and get on with things.

But  this depression I feel with grief is different. It is not oppressive, nor does it weigh on me like a heavy blanket. It doesn’t have a negative aspect about it. When I feel like this I need to be on my own.

When mum died last year although I was sad, I  coped very well. Mum had been poorly for so long  that it was a relief.  But now I am feeling it more after 18months. It has been harder this year and more of a struggle. Sometimes it is quite difficult to cope with the feelings but God doesn’t let me stay there long, he brings me out of it…THANK GOD!

So getting back to the original thoughts about feelings. It is good to know ourselves and to be able to distinguish between negativity and genuine feelings that need to be  listened to. I know I need just a little bit of peace and quiet at the moment and the reasons for this are becoming quite clear to me as I am writing. So I  will have a night for myself and potter around and watch some of my favourite programmes.

We have to look after ourselves and listen to our inner warning systems of when we are needing a little time out. I dont mopse and dwell on things. Rest, recuperation and some revitalisation.  My heart is aching with unshed tears and  I am hoping they will come out one day, but as they are stuck inside for the time being I just want to take care of  myself for a few hours.

A little bit of a disjointed post, but I wanted to write something.

Its sunny. Spring is finally here? I hope so. There is so much life I can hear from my living room. Birds singing, my neighbour underneath chatting to his visitors, even the sound of cars on the motorway several miles away . All these sounds are just the right company for me this late afternoon. I feel content and know I have needed to be on my own.

God bless, thank you for taking time to read this.

Barbara